Playing with Fire: Have a Very Serious Christmas! - Gonzalo Frasca
Will deliver presents for food Never underestimate the power of bribes. Thanks to Christmas, children from all over the world learn how to corrupt mythical figures in exchange for presents. This may be seen as cute form of play by adults, but children take it very seriously -especially those who have been bad and know that Santa may need a “little persuasion” in order to drop some presents. In the United States it is common to leave milk and cookies for Santa. In Denmark, however, kids need to bribe the “nisse”, a little gnome who wears a red cap. The nisse is a sort of household spirit that is supposed to help with house chores. However, kids do know that they should remain friends with him if they want to avoid trouble. That is why children must leave him some porridge with butter on Christmas Eve. According to a traditional tale, a girl who was supposed to leave the porridge actually ate it. When the nisse found out, he forced her to dance until she almost died. This tale reminds young Danes that you should never mess with the nisse. Just give him his freakin’ porridge and he’ll bring you some toys. It’s not such a bad deal after all, right? In the Spanish tradition -and therefore also in Latin America- there is no food for Santa. Actually, most Spanish kids do not get their presents on Christmas. Instead, they receive their goods from the Three Wise Men, who visit houses on their camels every January 6. This is probably due to the fact that Spain is a very Catholic country and sees the Santa Claus tradition as pagan -which, indeed, it is. Since the Three Wise Men brought presents for Jesus, they are also the ones who leave presents to kids. Incidentally, presents are left inside or by the kid’s shoes, which generally must be located by their bed or next to the Christmas tree. It would seem as if the Three Wise Men are wise enough not to accept bribes, so traditionally food is left for their camels. Instead of leaving food for Santa’s reindeers, Spanish and South American kids leave freshly cut grass and a bowl of water for the camels. I bet that Santa’s reindeers are not aware of this or they would revolt and demand their share. S**tty holidays! I’m sure that if we were to make the list of weirdest Christmas games and traditions, Barcelona and the Catalonian region in Spain would win hands down. Before further describing the traditional Catalonian Christmas game, let me first say that scatological humor is a well-known local tradition. In many mediterranean countries it is common to build Nativity scenes, either at home or in public spaces (in a much larger scale). In Catalonia, there is a particular character that shares the scene along with the shepherds and baby Jesus. However, he is usually hidden or situated far away from Jesus’ family. There is a good reason for that. This character is called the caganer -literally “the one who defecates”. To be true to his name, this happy man is always shown with his pants down. Even though he is supposed to be a shepherd, it is common to find in Barcelona shops selling caganers shaped after the Pope, the Spanish Royal Family and even bin Laden. Now that you know about the caganer and Catalonian coprophilic Christmas spirit, you may not be that surprised about the weird game that Catalonian kids play every year. The game is called Tió de Nadal (Christmas log) but it is more popularly known as Caga Tió which literally means “shit log” (I’d like to thanks my sister Inés for providing the picture).
This is a log decorated with a face and a traditional Catalonian hat. On December 8, kids are supposed to start “feeding” it with oranges or crackers. Later on, the log is covered with a blanket to protect it from the cold. On Christmas Eve, kids are supposed to literally “beat the shit out of the log” with sticks until it defecates presents (which are hidden under the blanket). These presents are “turró” (a sort of fudge made with honey and nuts), hazelnuts and other sweets like dried figs. One of these presents -colloquially referred to as “the shits”- is always something weird, like a head of garlic. It is supposed to represent the last thing that was expelled by the log. While kids beat the log with sticks, they sing a song. There are many different versions but my favorite one of them roughly translates as “Shit log! / Shit “turró” and honey / If you don’t shit presents / We’ll beat the crap out of you!” Now that you know more about how weird -and fun!- Christmas play can be around the world, you may seriously consider making some of these traditions your own. After all, it would be nice if your kids brought some extra dough home with the help of Judas, right? If you run into a log, don’t burn it: try to cure its constipation and you may be rewarded with some candy. In any case, whatever you do, you may want to forget milk and cookies. Instead leave a glass of bourbon for Santa. After having to deal with so much Christmas weirdness, I’m sure he’ll need it. Actually, leave the whole bottle. And enjoy the holidays. Seriously.
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